A Question flows in my head

Every one is pushing me forward; every one is supporting me, every one want to take me to the next step! I just don't want too, it's right that I moved on, but I just want to take a break right now from every thing! It has been a very tired year! It's right I know what I'm going to do! It’s right my plans are on and ready to go, but I just need to stay alone! To spend some quietly time with me self, every thing is happening to quickly & my respond is too quickly too! I don't want to do any mistakes any more! A serious relationship is not in my mind right knowing o what I want too. They keep pushing me & giving me the support! Thanks but I want to a break! Rushing for I thing like that isn’t good, this corner that he throw me in isn’t what I wanted! Getting married isn’t what I think I want! At least not now. I need to get ride of this question swimming all over my head! A question no one will know! & Only one have the answer! A question I will never ask to get the answer! I will find it out my self! I will say yes to him for now cuz I don’t want to lose someone want me so badly like him again & will see what goes on, what is the future hiding for me! What is that answer .

disturbing

Was hard to sleep, very disturbing dreams all around the night! Couldn’t sleep well, & couldn’t get up from these nightmares, I know I'm doing the right thing, I know I wont forgive that person any more, & that I let go of the past That I had with him, It's good, it's right! I know that 1% that didn’t let me sleep well is that hope, that every thing well be all right, & that things going to be better & that every moment with out him is a bliss. The pain that I used to feel fade away, every thing I used to feel fade away, as he wasn’t one day all what I wanted. Does that mean that I'm a bad person? I'm surprising my self by doing that! I think he made me that curl, with out a feeling, with out a heart, the coldest person on earth! It’s like even if I saw him in front of me I wont recognize him, cuz until today he is hurting me with all he can! But the surprise I don’t feel the pain any more! Cuz he is nothing to me any more! For me it's an achievement, but that 1% hates it! Why shouldn’t I be like him? Do bad stuff to ppl then blame them for it! Why do I always have to take responsibly for my mistakes & others? He was the biggest mistake in my life I know! The very old Noora is back, with my long black hair, skinny legs, small heart! Is it right? Does my feelings change when my look change? Lool trying to put the blame in my self again! Sorry wont work this time, I know very well that this wasn’t my mistake & that what ever happened happened because he made me lose what I had for him, with all him " Reem wanting" & "Ali unwanting " & his past. & Me realizing that I wasn't except a way for him either to reach his past or Reem! He is a smart guy! He can get it all with a girl who really loves him & will always forgive him & with two sweet words he can get her back! Not any more, I never hated him, or love him! I just hate the amount of love & time that I wasted on him, & the amount of ppl I lost for him, & the mistakes I did to be with him, the ppl I rejected to be with him. It’s an unequal taking & giving! At least I did my best, if it was any other person it would've worked all the way right. The love that he lost will never find it again, god do grounded ppl for bad things they do in their life, either he believe it or not! Or he still keep blaming me for whatever shit he did / will keep doing! He is no one in my life any more & no one to the new/old Noora! Love any more? No, even if I'm able to! Or the right person in front of me! It’s a No, something he always repeat to me "you are not the first woman I love & not the last" I'm not one of the women he loved, that first. & Yes he is not the first guy I loved, either not the last! In fact, I really really moved on, away ahead! That I don’t have any feeling! I wouldn’t write this today except for that dream that most of it he was in, regardless the shit he is in! Even if the dream was a way of calling to stand by him! I'm not standing by anyone who says the opposite about me! Who does not know what he did and still deny it and throwing the blame at me, he still a guy not a man! He is not a man yet! He will need allot to reach that point when a man take responsibility for his action & what he does! Before I used to wish him the best! & Stayed with him cuz I wanted him to be a better man! NOW I don’t wish him any thing! He is that thing that I just want to stay away from me. A feeling that I feel it rare towards ppl, it's like he annoys me! The lies, the cheats, the actions, every thing he says or does is a lie! Made of him self a joke to people then blaming me for it! As if I wasn’t always there to tell him don’t do it & it's wrong, not for me for him, as if I didn’t fight 7fara & a9ayel that night crying to convince them that he changed! For him to prove again that I'm wrong & they r right! Now I know I was wrong! That day when I fought Saif every day for him, Malek! Even his friend 7mood! Something he will never know or realize! That even the closest ppl from him! Know what he is & I didn’t, I thought he changed not realizing what he was doing all lies, I did my best to prove that he changed, he is MY Sia ~ & HE once after another, proofed to them That I was wrong, & they were right! Even reem, the girl he want to most, I dumped her for what she used to say about him, & how much she tried with me to leave him & bshor, she lessen to him, acting as the best friend ever! While he know nothing about each time she talk to him tells me to immediately leave him, she goes crazy at me just to get the hell out! After fighting all of these ppl alone for him. I'm the one to blame that they hate him! Wrong I did, yes for sure! Regret, I never felt it until couple of days? Never thought it a mistake but it is the biggest. It's all a past now, I'm not thinking of it any more, I don’t want to remember it again. A forgetting past that won’t come again! Future looks good! No love no relations until I'm done with college, getting married @ 25! Child or two! Has to be a cute guy though lool! Opening my own brand & working in twofour54. Being the best Noora alive, & at some point! Maybe I will forgive! 

It feeeeels good

I feel good na na na na naa , yaaaaaaayyy

فقَد خاطري شيّ من الضيقة مسلّيه

فقَد خاطري شيّ من الضيقة مسلّيه

وغدت روحي من الناس والّليل هجّاجَة

Some times you discover that you have made a big mistake in your life, when it's too late. I always thought that I will never be in love with someone don't love me back, that I'm too smart to be played with & my heart can never go wrong. I trusted my self that I can change someone, can change hearts, mind & opinions. I did allot, I was very successful at that! Not any more I guess or my choice was for sure wrong. Fighted like no woman will fight, forgive like no human can, being above my feelings & trying to always do the right thing, feeling the climate or people who hurted me although they didn’t care! Was wrong with out a doubht. Trying my best not to hate & keep my heart loving even if I didn’t want too, I made a mistake that I will carry the guilt of it to the rest of my life. His page from my book have been cutten & burned & will never ever be back! Promise.

PS. I'm a woman who do her promises 

the cigarette

he is back .. to be ... no one .. nothing in my life .. he is back to be that guy in my bbm with the cigarette pic that I always looked at it & wish .. just wished ... that one day ...........

I feel ...

            
              
        
          
                  
                      
                                                                        Nothing
    
      
        
        
        
      

indescribable

Nothing at all would compete what I'm  feeling now! No one, tears running with a sour in my through, breathing is so hard, nothing can describe it, no one can feel it, lonely, like I'm the only one in hell. Hateness started to born in my heart, toward the most person I loved, every thing, every thing looks purled, looks scary, looks sharp & ready to hurt me, the words he says are true, what a pain! Even tears wont cure me, nothing I can say or nothing I can talk about, indescribable this is. & I know nothing that I can say about nothing I can do about. Just burn it in too me & leave it till I die, it will stay burning forever, like candle. It’s the whole in my soul, he created this pain that I will carry it with me everywhere, every when, every place always & forever. Killing him in me, hate him, something I hope to do. He is an evil in a human shape, he is the evil, I can feel my heart dying, to live & be one like his

the ability of love

every one I loved in my life ethier left or will leave soon ! Grandma , Hassan , Sia , Saif , Sara .
the amount of people that I really loved in this life isnt that much! loving ppl for me is so hard , cuz when I love I love from all my heart , thats the reason why I'm so piky with ppl , I dont really get into them or give the effort to really love them so hard cuz losing them will kill me .. something I was always good with is being very hounest with my self , I understand my feelings very well ! I can know If I will be in love with someone befor it happens , I run away first , to avoid the pain to avoid what will happen no matter what ! but if it happened I stay untill the last breath I have . Most of them , loved me back , were great experince , others I were just a time waster for them , nothing real they had to me ! I understand that allot of this is how I treated others who loved me & I didnt , with all different ways ! Reem , Dana , Waleed , Tamem , Saif bro , were examples of how I can treat people who loved me really bad ! even if they hurt me & I acted by geting them out of my life , I was wrong , even more wrong when I toke ppl out of my life for someone I'm nothing to him . it's wrong to replace ppl who loves u with ppl that u know that u love them so they take advantage of that . Some times I feel like im in big white room , with a soft light , seting & thinking of what I lost & what I gain , deep down I lost allot , but I cheer up my self by telling my soul that I gain allot out of this , patient , experince & faith . I look around to see who left ! who's waiting for me to snap ! to fall down ! those who I hurt & wanna lauph one more at me ! wanna say we told u so & I refused to lessen . more than painful when someone u gave ur every thing to stand up & be the person who want to be , let u down & u stay their for them & they let u down , again & again . like ur died then u live again , not once or twice ! more than ten ! & the worse when it's the same person ! Isn't time to get it that what I'm doing is wrong? isn't it the time to regret what I did ! isn't time to stop loving & giving? something I really wish , I reall want , I really hope for it , to sleep & wake up to find my heart is washout from all of this .why is it so hard for me to love someone else? do I deserve him ? or am I that bad ? that my heart stuck with him this much , the ability of loving someone else is not avaliable . I wish I can , I want too ;( . May god bless me with forgeting , forgving & Loving once again.

I wish

I wish I can love him as I want ! I wish he loves me as I want ! I wish we had this thing That I always dreamed having it with him , Clearly it's not possible ! Clearly what I want is him , but what he want isn't me ! Pain ? Yes, it's here , in this part under my chest ! Love? It's also here , living along with the pain he create ! Need ? Yes, I do , like how my lungs need the O2 to breath ! Stop? I grantee I wont ,

  Untill my soul is out  .

أَنَا [ بشَر

َتعبتُ ، ففِي نهايَة الأمر .. أَنَا [ بشَر ] 

مهمَا كَانت قُوّتِي وشِدّة تحملّي أمامكَ !

............... ما خطبِي ؟ لكَي ترفضنِي هكذَا كلّمَا أخضعتُ لَكَ قلبِي

ولِمَ كُنتُ أقدّم لَكَ كُل ما أملكه مِنَ المشاعِر ،

......... بينمَا تَزِن أنتَ كُل مَا تعطِينيه مِن أحاسيسكَ !

وأدركَ أنّك آخِر مَن قَد يستوعِب ألمِي حين يقرأنِي

رسائلِي لَا تصِل إليكَ ، ودمُوعِي لَا تصِل إليكَ ، ودعوَاتِي لَا تصِل إليكَ

و آهَاتِي لَا تصِل إليكَ ، و إنتحَابَاتِي لَا تصِل إليكَ ..

................ وَلا شَيئ .. لَا شَيء يخصنّي قَد يهمّكَ

تسخَر منّي الدّنيَا الآن ، 

و تخرِج أمَامِي لسانهَا إستهزَاءً بِأننّي قَد أحببتكَ أنتَ ,

........................... بينمَا كُنتَ تعبَثَ بأضلعِي !

الفرق بيني وبينكَ /

هُو أنني كبّرتُ حجمكَ بـ سذاجة بداخلِي ، بينمَا إتّضح ليَ صِغر حجمِي بكَ مؤخرًا ! 

أعطيتك الفرصَة تلو الفرصَة لإثبَات كونك تستحقني ، ولكنك كنتَ تكسرنِي كُل مرّة .. .

وما عاد يهمّك الآن أمر جبرِي .. 

حزينة لأجلكَ ‘

أضعتنِي و أنت تدرِك تمامًا ماهيّة حبّي لك التّي كانت ،

لا تعنِيني الآن ولَن تعنِيني أبدًا ، 

شكرًا لَكَ فقط , كَان بإستطاعتكَ أن تسعدنِي ولكنك تعمّدتَ أن تضرب الرّوح بـ فأس خيانتك دائمًا

ice & heat

he was my love , but I think It was a road to no where , to no where he toke me!! to the coldest place , to a point I can touch my self ; feel the Ice , while my throught is boweling

glue my heart

The pain in my chest is killing me , my heart & my mind finally agreed , that this is not going to work for me any more , whatever I was doing in some point was right , But thanks god not any more . The LOVE ? was there some day , that why I used to handle the pain , something pushing me & that self cure service I used to had , but not any more ! It's only pain*pain ? why shall I stay while I'm sure & I know this will last forever ! why to have a fight I know I will never win ! am I that slow ? I already had the war & I lost it ? why am I going into this battle again , allot of feelings that no one person can handle it , 1.how he feels , 2.how she feels , 3.how they feel toward each other , 4.how i feel for him , 5 how I feel for her , then 6. how much I wont them to stay together & 7. me as a woman !! with all that love and jealousy for the one I love , & finally 8. the feeling of why the hell do u care ! just go out of this shit your going crazy. I wanna run away , from all of this , run & run & run as I have never did , wanna leave this love triangle , wanna leave it to stay as line ! two straight points directed to each other . wanna go there , to that safe place that he left for me ! that option that I never wanted any thing like it , that attraction that kills me to go toward it , that one who  will accept me with my wounds and glue every thing back to his place , wanna stay dreaming that I'm there , living that part with him , but I cant , cuz of ... , its better to live in a sweat dream rather than stay in that painful truth.

cheating

        




what is cheating ? Im very sure I understand it wrong !





        
    

sunny cold morning

Its first Friday of Ramadan, very sunny although I’m really cold! Sara going to US alone is killing me, although I didn't cry a tear. Just hoping for the best! College is coming, hopefully every thing go smoothly with the work. I hate the new location & every thing in it. I feel like quitting allot, the thing that I don’t allow my self to quit from things, even if I don’t like it, its that thing that my grandma raise in me, to go & go & go, sometimes its really good, push me forward when nothing left to go forward, sometimes it really makes me miserable because I'm going for something I don’t want it. May she rest in peace, I love her so much, and she’s the reason of what kind of person I'm today. In my deep down, I know I let her down in allot of stuff, I know she miss me & want me to visit, but I'm really afraid, after I saw & felt death I don’t wana go there, it toke me months until I could sleep with out thinking about death, it have became an obsession in my mind, its really strong when it get into you. From always wishing to die I became very afraid of dying, although when I face it I fought with all I had, this time I think I will surrender, nothing left to fight for. So Lonely with out you...

headache in my mind

a headache in my mind , killing me softly , as if its cancer , thinking allot can cause mentel problems ! what am I doing , im not really sure it it was right or worng !! when is my time? what is really happening ,, im not aware of , or I'am & I just want to ignor it in a way that my mand dont undrestand it?

real feelings

سف انا في حبي لـك تسرعـت
ظنيت الاقـي فيـك شـيٍ فقدتـه..

كنت احسبك مجروح مثلي تولعـت
جربت فرقى شخص قلبـك وهبتـه..

كنت احسبك من مر جرحك تجرعت
حبيت فيك احساس طفـلٍ لمحتـه..

لوقلت آآآه بوسط روحي توجعـت
ولو شفت دمعاتك شعوري سكبتـه..

ولو تطلب اعيوني ابد ما تمنعـت
واعطيك قلبي لو بعد مـا طلبتـه..

وصلت بك..... اعلى مكان وتربعت
وفي قلب غيري ياالغضي ماوصلته..

واصبر على صدك واشوفك تدلعـت
واعطيك ود ومـا اظنـك حسبتـه..

اذهلتني بطباعك اللـي ...تطبعـت
حتى قصيدي فيك ابد مـا فهمتـه..

لو كان غاياتك حروفي فانا بعـت
وافرح بجرح الشاعر الي جرحتـه..

وأرجوك من صدك تراني تشبعـت
خلك مع اللي عاجبـك او عجبتـه..

يكفي قهر في جيتي لك تواضعـت
تركت غيرك لجـل عينـك وبعتـه..

ياليتني عـن حـب مثلك..ترفعـت
ياليت قلبي قبـل اعرفـك دفنتـه..

لكن اببعد دامني بـك توهقـت
الله يرحـم حبنـا اللـي ذبحـتـه..

انا شريت الود والحين انـا بعـت
وانا عطيتك قلبـي اللـي قهرتـه..

في يوم جيتك اطلبـك ود واقنعـت
نفسي بانك شخص عادي عرفته..

كمل حياتك مثل مـا انـا توقعـت
تبقى اسير الماضي الـي فرضتـه..

ولا يحزنك اني غلطان وتراجعـت
حولك بدالي ألف شخـصٍ عجبتـه..

اما انا لا يمكن اخضـع ولا طعـت
يحرم علي اعطيـك قلـبٍ خذلتـه..

باريّحك من شوفتي يـوم قاطعـت
اسلوبك اللي بـة تجامـل كرهتـه..

غلطان يا المقفي انا مـا تتبعـت
غيري يتابع خطوتـي مـا تبعتـه..

ما ينحني راسي لو انـي تقطعـت
وما هو انا من لا رميتـه لقطتـه..

وان كان غرك حكي عذالي وطعـت
الله يعلـم كيـف قلبـي سكنـتـه..

اللي ملا قلبـك علـي وتسمعـت
خله يعوض شخص مثلي خسرتـه..

انـا بمـا فيـه الكفايـة تولعـت
واللي بقى من قلب فينـي حرقتـه..

باول لقا سلمته احساسي وضعـت
غلطت حياتي يـوم قلبـي سلبتـه..

واستسمحك فالبعد كاني تراجعت
ما عاد ابلقـى فيـك شـي فقدتـه..

طبعك مثل غيرك وطبعي كما كنـت
احب شخـص ولا تركته تركتـه..

وان شفتني صدفة بعينك تطلعـت
ذكرتني بانسـان غالـي فقدتـه

will never move on

its really weired how much he check her blog every day ! wired !! he never knew that i even have a blod or so ! , thanks god he dont walla I would be really angry ! I cant undrestand how a human can be that much carless ! or that much selfish ! is it me? I m sure that I have a menti9l problem because of him , I hate what I feel because of him ! I really wish that he never exsist in my life !! I wish he never happand ! I wish that I have left him when I could with out giving him all that much of love or any thing ! I really want him to suffer " allot" more than any thing , its the first time I wish someone to live misreaple for the rest of his life ! selfish ! yes I 'am finally ! wrong? I dodnt feel so ! I wish he feel this burn in me 10 times worse more , I wish that he get burned & burnes & burnes with out stopping !! Just diiiiiiiiiiiiiiie