disturbing

Was hard to sleep, very disturbing dreams all around the night! Couldn’t sleep well, & couldn’t get up from these nightmares, I know I'm doing the right thing, I know I wont forgive that person any more, & that I let go of the past That I had with him, It's good, it's right! I know that 1% that didn’t let me sleep well is that hope, that every thing well be all right, & that things going to be better & that every moment with out him is a bliss. The pain that I used to feel fade away, every thing I used to feel fade away, as he wasn’t one day all what I wanted. Does that mean that I'm a bad person? I'm surprising my self by doing that! I think he made me that curl, with out a feeling, with out a heart, the coldest person on earth! It’s like even if I saw him in front of me I wont recognize him, cuz until today he is hurting me with all he can! But the surprise I don’t feel the pain any more! Cuz he is nothing to me any more! For me it's an achievement, but that 1% hates it! Why shouldn’t I be like him? Do bad stuff to ppl then blame them for it! Why do I always have to take responsibly for my mistakes & others? He was the biggest mistake in my life I know! The very old Noora is back, with my long black hair, skinny legs, small heart! Is it right? Does my feelings change when my look change? Lool trying to put the blame in my self again! Sorry wont work this time, I know very well that this wasn’t my mistake & that what ever happened happened because he made me lose what I had for him, with all him " Reem wanting" & "Ali unwanting " & his past. & Me realizing that I wasn't except a way for him either to reach his past or Reem! He is a smart guy! He can get it all with a girl who really loves him & will always forgive him & with two sweet words he can get her back! Not any more, I never hated him, or love him! I just hate the amount of love & time that I wasted on him, & the amount of ppl I lost for him, & the mistakes I did to be with him, the ppl I rejected to be with him. It’s an unequal taking & giving! At least I did my best, if it was any other person it would've worked all the way right. The love that he lost will never find it again, god do grounded ppl for bad things they do in their life, either he believe it or not! Or he still keep blaming me for whatever shit he did / will keep doing! He is no one in my life any more & no one to the new/old Noora! Love any more? No, even if I'm able to! Or the right person in front of me! It’s a No, something he always repeat to me "you are not the first woman I love & not the last" I'm not one of the women he loved, that first. & Yes he is not the first guy I loved, either not the last! In fact, I really really moved on, away ahead! That I don’t have any feeling! I wouldn’t write this today except for that dream that most of it he was in, regardless the shit he is in! Even if the dream was a way of calling to stand by him! I'm not standing by anyone who says the opposite about me! Who does not know what he did and still deny it and throwing the blame at me, he still a guy not a man! He is not a man yet! He will need allot to reach that point when a man take responsibility for his action & what he does! Before I used to wish him the best! & Stayed with him cuz I wanted him to be a better man! NOW I don’t wish him any thing! He is that thing that I just want to stay away from me. A feeling that I feel it rare towards ppl, it's like he annoys me! The lies, the cheats, the actions, every thing he says or does is a lie! Made of him self a joke to people then blaming me for it! As if I wasn’t always there to tell him don’t do it & it's wrong, not for me for him, as if I didn’t fight 7fara & a9ayel that night crying to convince them that he changed! For him to prove again that I'm wrong & they r right! Now I know I was wrong! That day when I fought Saif every day for him, Malek! Even his friend 7mood! Something he will never know or realize! That even the closest ppl from him! Know what he is & I didn’t, I thought he changed not realizing what he was doing all lies, I did my best to prove that he changed, he is MY Sia ~ & HE once after another, proofed to them That I was wrong, & they were right! Even reem, the girl he want to most, I dumped her for what she used to say about him, & how much she tried with me to leave him & bshor, she lessen to him, acting as the best friend ever! While he know nothing about each time she talk to him tells me to immediately leave him, she goes crazy at me just to get the hell out! After fighting all of these ppl alone for him. I'm the one to blame that they hate him! Wrong I did, yes for sure! Regret, I never felt it until couple of days? Never thought it a mistake but it is the biggest. It's all a past now, I'm not thinking of it any more, I don’t want to remember it again. A forgetting past that won’t come again! Future looks good! No love no relations until I'm done with college, getting married @ 25! Child or two! Has to be a cute guy though lool! Opening my own brand & working in twofour54. Being the best Noora alive, & at some point! Maybe I will forgive!