the ability of love

every one I loved in my life ethier left or will leave soon ! Grandma , Hassan , Sia , Saif , Sara .
the amount of people that I really loved in this life isnt that much! loving ppl for me is so hard , cuz when I love I love from all my heart , thats the reason why I'm so piky with ppl , I dont really get into them or give the effort to really love them so hard cuz losing them will kill me .. something I was always good with is being very hounest with my self , I understand my feelings very well ! I can know If I will be in love with someone befor it happens , I run away first , to avoid the pain to avoid what will happen no matter what ! but if it happened I stay untill the last breath I have . Most of them , loved me back , were great experince , others I were just a time waster for them , nothing real they had to me ! I understand that allot of this is how I treated others who loved me & I didnt , with all different ways ! Reem , Dana , Waleed , Tamem , Saif bro , were examples of how I can treat people who loved me really bad ! even if they hurt me & I acted by geting them out of my life , I was wrong , even more wrong when I toke ppl out of my life for someone I'm nothing to him . it's wrong to replace ppl who loves u with ppl that u know that u love them so they take advantage of that . Some times I feel like im in big white room , with a soft light , seting & thinking of what I lost & what I gain , deep down I lost allot , but I cheer up my self by telling my soul that I gain allot out of this , patient , experince & faith . I look around to see who left ! who's waiting for me to snap ! to fall down ! those who I hurt & wanna lauph one more at me ! wanna say we told u so & I refused to lessen . more than painful when someone u gave ur every thing to stand up & be the person who want to be , let u down & u stay their for them & they let u down , again & again . like ur died then u live again , not once or twice ! more than ten ! & the worse when it's the same person ! Isn't time to get it that what I'm doing is wrong? isn't it the time to regret what I did ! isn't time to stop loving & giving? something I really wish , I reall want , I really hope for it , to sleep & wake up to find my heart is washout from all of this .why is it so hard for me to love someone else? do I deserve him ? or am I that bad ? that my heart stuck with him this much , the ability of loving someone else is not avaliable . I wish I can , I want too ;( . May god bless me with forgeting , forgving & Loving once again.