Sour in my soul

a decision I havent take have been decide , it's good that someone in your life can sometimes take a decision  for you when you cant , I never thought that I will reach that point ever . I just needed someone to grap my hand & take me , to any where , any place , any thing , was it wrong or right , I was just so disparate that I dont know what to do , even if I knew I couldnt do it . cant think or do any thing , lost doesn't even describe the feeling . when she clicked that delete button it was like a whole in my heart , I knew it's like she threw my soul away , but not as the same feeling when reem killed it , not the same pain or feeling , that was like burning me alive & this was like a conclusion to my heart . Sour in my soul will remain , life doesn't work the way I want & I have to accept this . I hate the way he changes my thinking , the way that I can love him , the way that I want him & every thing related to him , the way that with a word from him I can leave the world for him & with another word I can feel that every thing is falling around me , the way that my heart makes him so important , that part of the independent woman in me is jealous from him , that as much as I work on my self and stand for my self , when he entries my all melt in him like a spoon of sugar in the tea "sm o 3sl" sugar alone is too sweat & tea cant be drink alone but together we can be addicted to . what is the mint to that cup of tea?
I want to believe him as much as I want to hug him , but that part of me keep warning me not to fall in he same trap , It's crazy to go back to him betrayed arms , and 1% says this all have meant to be .
What am I feeling ? I don't know , I cant think right , I know If I saw him every thing will be clear , with a one hug I can know whats in his heart , & I can understand his eyes fully , like that first date we had alone, he was really in love with me , no one in his mind except me , the second one , he was missing his x & angry at her . I donno what to do , or what