leaving

I hate it here , I will leave it for ever , I don't belong to here & I don't feel safe anymore
that it , I will change every thing , every single small thing or big
I loved this place for a while , not any more

bye

again

      
                
  


                                                                    pain again




      

a dream

I had a strange dream today . the first one after the sia series , may dreams are very rare & If it happened & I had one it means something !! I saw grandma , my father , me & 7mod . we were in a big castle &  I was a witch with  no powers , the strange thing that my grandma in the dream was the enemy , & I was fighting her , but my powers weren't working . My father was the good side & my grandma was the bad side & I was protecting 7mod !! very strange dream , mam waked me up to find that fever come back , at least it's better than the sia series , inshalla 5air ;)

I dont give a fuck

I Dont Care -,-
 I will write whatever I want when ever I want how ever I want
and yaa
fuck you all

I

Sour in my soul

a decision I havent take have been decide , it's good that someone in your life can sometimes take a decision  for you when you cant , I never thought that I will reach that point ever . I just needed someone to grap my hand & take me , to any where , any place , any thing , was it wrong or right , I was just so disparate that I dont know what to do , even if I knew I couldnt do it . cant think or do any thing , lost doesn't even describe the feeling . when she clicked that delete button it was like a whole in my heart , I knew it's like she threw my soul away , but not as the same feeling when reem killed it , not the same pain or feeling , that was like burning me alive & this was like a conclusion to my heart . Sour in my soul will remain , life doesn't work the way I want & I have to accept this . I hate the way he changes my thinking , the way that I can love him , the way that I want him & every thing related to him , the way that with a word from him I can leave the world for him & with another word I can feel that every thing is falling around me , the way that my heart makes him so important , that part of the independent woman in me is jealous from him , that as much as I work on my self and stand for my self , when he entries my all melt in him like a spoon of sugar in the tea "sm o 3sl" sugar alone is too sweat & tea cant be drink alone but together we can be addicted to . what is the mint to that cup of tea?
I want to believe him as much as I want to hug him , but that part of me keep warning me not to fall in he same trap , It's crazy to go back to him betrayed arms , and 1% says this all have meant to be .
What am I feeling ? I don't know , I cant think right , I know If I saw him every thing will be clear , with a one hug I can know whats in his heart , & I can understand his eyes fully , like that first date we had alone, he was really in love with me , no one in his mind except me , the second one , he was missing his x & angry at her . I donno what to do , or what

I want someone who tells me a good night story

I wanna cry

I just wanna crrrrrrrry till I drop

I dont get it

I dont et why ppl would like to screw up someone who cares about them life , revenge looks like the main reason . each time when I think that I sorted thing out , I found out something I have never expected it coming . how can someone act so cool with u & in the same moment do the opposite , the ability of how ppl can lie & cheat I didn't relies it untill today . it's like '3r8t in a very deep see & I couldn't watch or see or understand any thing  . I just got why I had all these nightmares about him , cuz what I knew wasnt the truth , part of it was made up just to make me miserable & when she knew I'm over it she pushed my memories with him
I think no night mares in my sleeping today , cuz the truth appeared , but still I can believe how someone can be two faces this much I plan this good for ruining someone life .
I guess now that what was all about yesterday & that why today I got this nervous & replayed the msgs , that way I tolled him go to hell & so on although I dont usually do it unless I'm so angry , just to know the truth somehow , looks like in the end allah ma yr'6a 3la 3bdah y3esh mhmom or 7d ya5thah b'6lm , I felt so bad when I know someone tolled him so cuz I didnt speak about him , I used to tell bushra take a gd care of him & god knows what did she told him !! glad that every thing is clear , sad that I do trust ppl who dont deserve my trust , I lose others who I let them down sometimes , I take it easy on my heart , but my 7rara goes up & I feel the sickness in my heart spread to the rest of my body . I dont really know what to do any more , but I do know that I'm keeping my self away than ppl cuz I just cant take it any more , gd night

my heart is killing me

It's like my heart suddenly came back to life , demanding !! when my heart have needs every thing else in my life freez !! I cant believe I did what I did ams , what is happening to me ! I wish it's something will go away with week or so , and I wish this headache with the flu I'm having will keep me  away from crazy stuff my heart would make me do it .

the best birthday ever

its the best birthday I ever had , loved every thing in it expect that sara wasnt around , from the midnight phone calls and msgs & BCs , untill this moment our door is ringing !! the whole house is full of flowers !! it's like im geting married or something , from the morning when I went to work !! how the ballons were every where , then the gifts were on my desk !! then calls from reception says that I have recived one more gift !! how my boss with out feeling huged me & kissed me on cheeecks !!! it waaas so funny <3 I felt so shy as I have never been , then going to college , every one just hugeeeed meeee ll2baaaaaad , even my female teachers !! it was amaaaazing , every one kept singing for me happy birthday !! even my friend that i dont talk to any more celebrate me !! & yeeeeeeeeeees saaaaaaaaif & hajes made me a surprise paaarty !!! I have never ever expected that coming !! to see saif again or hajes ! to tlk to them or to feel that again I still have brothers , saif wasnt as he used to be with me but I wouldnt feel it's my bd unliss he was there , & he did , malek made my day !! I have recived flowers from dxb but I dont know from whome !! gifts gifts gifts like I have never have , mam went crazy !! shes like r u geting married !! I never thought this would happen ! I expected nothing at all ! & in return I had the best birthday I could ever have , and im sure it will remain for couple more years , I loooooooved this , every single thing , even that saif didnt give me that eye contact but I know he didnt cuz he is still hurt ! something I didnt relize untill today , that there is alllllllot ppl in my life that they really love me & care about me , evern ppl I didnt know about & they really want me to love happy , today I have reached my 21 & reached to something I have never feelt it befor , who loves me will never ever make me be out of her/his life , mistakies do happen & I do mistakies , but I dont repat the same one twice , I'm human & I learned from my mistakies , ppl arent in my life any more dont desrve me , recently someone told me " noora ur too good to be in a relationship" & I saif ya I know loool . who cares about a relationship when I have this amount of ppl who adooooores meeeee !! when my yongest cuzn with 4 years old brought to me the twilight saga series novels I couldnt stop crying !! he is 4 yrs old & knows that I love edward & cared to bring it to me !! "although I already have them & read them" I felt im the happiest person on the earth , allah 3wa'6ni today waayed !1 brought to me happines I havent feelt it for at least 5 or 6 years , even though the day that I born in to is gone , but ppl still celebrating me <3 I adore my life & the ppl in it & al7umdella for every thing in my life & what I have !! maybe god 7rmni from something I wanted but he gave something else is much more important & I havent feel it untill today , al7umdella for this bliss in my life , al7umdella for being this much happy , al7umdella , allah yr7mch ya ydooh o allah yrdech b alsalama ya sara <3

Happy birthday Noora

Happy birthday to me

pain

my tummy hurts I cant sleep ;'(

....

أني أرى روؤسا قد أينعت وحان قطافها 

I'm turning to be like him

since yesterday till today , every one know about me & him keep saying that I became just like him , it was a shock when Reem said , noora sorry but ur just like ur x , then bshor screamed it mw saying , noora stop it ur acting just like him , talking just like him , then I reviewed what I have said , and it's like him talking

birthday gift

today in a shock I have recived my first birthday gift !! & from who !! Saif , the most guy stand up to me & with me & I let him down . he is one of the most best men on the earth , with in an argument I had with my biggest cuzn about how carless I'm about him & not called back since I told him I want him to be out of my life , untill this moment , then while she was dropping me to home , she pull up a bag and hand it to me , saying that this is from saif , the one who really loved u & stood up for u every time u snap , the one that care enough to count the days of ur birthday and leave his work & come to me to give u this , the one who u were screaming for the last 5 mins to stay away from ur life . I was like bullets from a gun , a slap on the face and yet , I cant cry , or any thing , just feel the cold blood runs in my venuis . I remembered how close we used to be , how adorable he was , how much I wished he was my real brother from my mam & dad ! and how much when I mad that call I was angry , if the time goes back I wish I would have told him the truth , & how sad & hurt I was , not that I don't want him in my life any more , I trust him on my life more than my own brother , I miss u saif my bro , I miss u like hell , I miss u when u call me "alnooon" I miss every thing , I swear to god I will never forgive my self for this , & that person who was the cause , not untill saif forgive me <3 احبك يا أغلى أخ

مَا ( مَـًتْْ ) مَن فَرْقَآكْ لَكّنْ ..!

مَا ( مَـًتْْ ) مَن فَرْقَآكْ لَكّنْ ..! 



:(تَـًألّـًمْـًتْْ :( 
وَ شَيبّتْ بَيْ يَآصَآحْبٌيْ! قَبْل " آشَيّبْ " :(
آضْحَكْ ، وَ آسَوُلَفْ،وَ آنْ لَحقْنَي " سَهٌـًرْْ " 



..نَـًمْـًتٌ ..
« لآكَـًـًنْْ قَسّـًمْ بَآلْلّـًهْْ مَآنَي بَطٌيّـًبْْ »

a trip to alain

today I went to Alain , me & shwei5 , it's the most place I love on earth although all the ppl who truly hurts me lives there , I had this thought when I was in mubzara alone , watching the grass & the sands , I want to die here & barred here , I loved being there ! I missed it . yes it hurts so much to go there again & breath the same air , but I challenged my self I as usual I won , funny how I can challenge my self when a part lose & other wins , it's very spiritual place that I can go to collect my self & come back , makes me stronger & some times weaker but for sure I always loved it with all the pains & memories , I know one day I will be there enough to forget all the memories and the feelings that I share it with the places there , should I blame my self for being that person or should I be happy for moving on . regardless the tears & how lonely I felt , I loved it

cant sleep

the thoughts I have , the dreams , The nightmares !! wish they would stop , wish they dont com any more , tired of viewing the same nightmare everyday ! breaks my heart that my mind still thinking and over realizing this ! I just hate it ! my heart starting to review the feelings I had , I want to lose it even if the only way is to lose my self & go wrong cuz im willing to do it , I just want to it out of me , stop being in to me

will I ?

I'm more than just an option

The One & Only Love I had

To Hassan HN

تدري وش يقهر غيابگ . . ؟

تدري وش يقهر غيابگ . . ؟
[ قلب ] في الغيبَه سهّر !
گل خلق اللّہ إذگروُني
وَ إنت . .
مآ عندگ خبر !

يعني ما هزِّگ ( جديدي ) ؟
ودِّي أسمع رَد / مُقنع :
وينگ بـ عيد الفطر ؟

گيف من غيرگ أعايد ؟
ي اللي " متهنّي " بـ عيدگ . .
عطني الحل المُحايد
فيدني . . .
اللَّہ يفيدگ !

لآ حيآتي /
هي حيآتي . .
و الصبر ؟
وين الصبر !

عيد . .
وإنت بعيد عنِّي ؟
بذمتگ هذآ إسمه ( عيد ) !
گل من جآني يهنِّي
قلت :
دونگ مو سعيد . . !

بس . . . .
تذگرّني بـ غيابگ . .
والفَرَح يملي ثيابگ :
عيدگ مبارگ حبيبي
وعيدي من غيرگ . .
قهر

doesn't work for all !

يقول شكسبير : لٱ تگسر أبداً گلّ ﺂلجسور مع من تُحب ؛فربمآ شآءت ﺂلأقدآر لگمآ يوماً لقآءاً آخر ؛يُعيد مآ مضى ، ويُوصل مآ أنقطع ؛فإذآ گآن ﺂلعمر ﺂلجميل قد رحل ؛فمن يدري ؟فربمآ ينتظرگ عمر أجمل ،وإذآ قررت أن تترگ حبيباً أو صديقاً ،فلآ تترگ له جرحاً ، فمن أعطآنآ قلباً ؛لٱ يستحق منّا أن نغرس فيه سہماً 

كُل عَآم وأنآ

•

كُل عآمْ وأنآ فآرغ مِنك ، 

كُل عَآم وأنآ مُشبعْ بِ آلسَعآدة دُونكْ 

كُل عَآم وأنآ أترآقصُ فرَحاً 

كُل عآمْ وأنآ انآم بلآ مُقدمَآت أرقيهْ 

أكُل وأشرَب بِلآ غصّة تَمنع مُرورهمْ 

كُل عَآم وأنآ بِلا آبتسآمآتْ 

بلهآء ودُموع حَآئرهْ 

كُل عَآمْ وأنآ لآ شَيء يشغلُني 

سِوآ " أهليْ وَ مُستقبليْ "

كُل عَآم وأنآ أتحَدثُ مَعهم 

بِ طَلآقة ولآ اخْشى سُقوط اسمكْ 

سَهواً بِ حَديثيْ 

كُل عَآم وأنآ لآ أبكيْ شَوقاً

كُل عَآم وأنآ لا أتمَنآك أبداً 

كُل عآم وأنآ أضْحك بِ لآ تصنّع 

كُل عَآم وأنآ أتنَفس هوآء طَبيعي ، 

غيرْ مُلوث بكْ 

كُل عَآم وأنتْ كَ غيرُك 

( لآ تُحرك بي سَآكناً )

كُل عآم وَ ( عِيدي مُبآرك ) 

 !!لأنكْ خآرج حَياتي بِ أكملهآ 

A lost angel?

Some times , you just wish that life go back , for a few days , weeks , months or years !! Some times you just wish you haven’t say that word / sentence or you haven’t done that action that you did in Ur last 5 mins.

how strange the mind can change and we our self can be opposite our self’s after few minutes ! Now it doesn’t make a difference, but it make us aware how important to think a thousand times before any action we take! & Think of it from all sides! I really regret what I have done to some ppl! I wish I wasn’t that emotional! & That I can control my self more! I found that I’m cold to curtain ppl ! But sure I'm much more colder than a month ago, like ice in my blood! I miss the motivation in my life, I miss what was making my laugh so hard and think allot! I know I'm on the right track but it's not the track that I wont it! True that sometimes human choose what isn't right for him just because they want it! Allot of people who knows me says that I'm an angel! Almost every one , even people that I hurt still say the same & I think why then I suffer this much ! Anger & pain where to release them ! I have no exit except here, writing makes me get it out of my chest ! also Ali & shei5a have a big reflect on my life ! I wouldn't survive without them , I would have collapsed & never be me again ! Thanks god for letting them in my life . Thank you god 

Friends

strange how my mind & heart can be empty ! it's like I'm not that passion person any more ! I know I'm very emotional from all ways , but I lost that one way ! the one way that I was very passion in it , that makes me think with both my heart & mind . I have no intrest in that way any more ! no one got my attention ! yet ?? lool 

I'm happy al7umdeila , I have the most two adorable friends in my life ! the best I ever had . Love them both & wont lose them for any one , Ali & Shikha , I can tell both of them any thing in my heart & they really make me feel happy .

I will never feel the same

something missing
I cant sleep or eat well
thinking 24/7 with out stopping
breathing but not living
but I'm stronger
I will do it
I will survive

ما عاد

ما عاد لي قلبن على الهم يقوى

Him & her

She says : He said I'm the one 

He says : I lied to get in to her pants 

The Pussycat Dolls - Hush Hush; Hush Hush

Dreams

Each Time I fall Sleep I Dream Of you

I wakeup with your name on my lips like blood , my eyes blow a tear or two !

Then I stand & get my self busy !

It's OVER

I'm OVER FAKE friendships ^_^

[ أ ف ق د ك ]

[ أ ف ق د ك ] ...! 

و أتحلى بـ / السكوووت 

أختنق ما أتنفس ،، 

" أتألم " 

،، دووووون صوت ..!

 ما أتكلم بس ؛

 من داإاإاإخل 

[ أ م و و و و ت ]

A Question flows in my head

Every one is pushing me forward; every one is supporting me, every one want to take me to the next step! I just don't want too, it's right that I moved on, but I just want to take a break right now from every thing! It has been a very tired year! It's right I know what I'm going to do! It’s right my plans are on and ready to go, but I just need to stay alone! To spend some quietly time with me self, every thing is happening to quickly & my respond is too quickly too! I don't want to do any mistakes any more! A serious relationship is not in my mind right knowing o what I want too. They keep pushing me & giving me the support! Thanks but I want to a break! Rushing for I thing like that isn’t good, this corner that he throw me in isn’t what I wanted! Getting married isn’t what I think I want! At least not now. I need to get ride of this question swimming all over my head! A question no one will know! & Only one have the answer! A question I will never ask to get the answer! I will find it out my self! I will say yes to him for now cuz I don’t want to lose someone want me so badly like him again & will see what goes on, what is the future hiding for me! What is that answer .

disturbing

Was hard to sleep, very disturbing dreams all around the night! Couldn’t sleep well, & couldn’t get up from these nightmares, I know I'm doing the right thing, I know I wont forgive that person any more, & that I let go of the past That I had with him, It's good, it's right! I know that 1% that didn’t let me sleep well is that hope, that every thing well be all right, & that things going to be better & that every moment with out him is a bliss. The pain that I used to feel fade away, every thing I used to feel fade away, as he wasn’t one day all what I wanted. Does that mean that I'm a bad person? I'm surprising my self by doing that! I think he made me that curl, with out a feeling, with out a heart, the coldest person on earth! It’s like even if I saw him in front of me I wont recognize him, cuz until today he is hurting me with all he can! But the surprise I don’t feel the pain any more! Cuz he is nothing to me any more! For me it's an achievement, but that 1% hates it! Why shouldn’t I be like him? Do bad stuff to ppl then blame them for it! Why do I always have to take responsibly for my mistakes & others? He was the biggest mistake in my life I know! The very old Noora is back, with my long black hair, skinny legs, small heart! Is it right? Does my feelings change when my look change? Lool trying to put the blame in my self again! Sorry wont work this time, I know very well that this wasn’t my mistake & that what ever happened happened because he made me lose what I had for him, with all him " Reem wanting" & "Ali unwanting " & his past. & Me realizing that I wasn't except a way for him either to reach his past or Reem! He is a smart guy! He can get it all with a girl who really loves him & will always forgive him & with two sweet words he can get her back! Not any more, I never hated him, or love him! I just hate the amount of love & time that I wasted on him, & the amount of ppl I lost for him, & the mistakes I did to be with him, the ppl I rejected to be with him. It’s an unequal taking & giving! At least I did my best, if it was any other person it would've worked all the way right. The love that he lost will never find it again, god do grounded ppl for bad things they do in their life, either he believe it or not! Or he still keep blaming me for whatever shit he did / will keep doing! He is no one in my life any more & no one to the new/old Noora! Love any more? No, even if I'm able to! Or the right person in front of me! It’s a No, something he always repeat to me "you are not the first woman I love & not the last" I'm not one of the women he loved, that first. & Yes he is not the first guy I loved, either not the last! In fact, I really really moved on, away ahead! That I don’t have any feeling! I wouldn’t write this today except for that dream that most of it he was in, regardless the shit he is in! Even if the dream was a way of calling to stand by him! I'm not standing by anyone who says the opposite about me! Who does not know what he did and still deny it and throwing the blame at me, he still a guy not a man! He is not a man yet! He will need allot to reach that point when a man take responsibility for his action & what he does! Before I used to wish him the best! & Stayed with him cuz I wanted him to be a better man! NOW I don’t wish him any thing! He is that thing that I just want to stay away from me. A feeling that I feel it rare towards ppl, it's like he annoys me! The lies, the cheats, the actions, every thing he says or does is a lie! Made of him self a joke to people then blaming me for it! As if I wasn’t always there to tell him don’t do it & it's wrong, not for me for him, as if I didn’t fight 7fara & a9ayel that night crying to convince them that he changed! For him to prove again that I'm wrong & they r right! Now I know I was wrong! That day when I fought Saif every day for him, Malek! Even his friend 7mood! Something he will never know or realize! That even the closest ppl from him! Know what he is & I didn’t, I thought he changed not realizing what he was doing all lies, I did my best to prove that he changed, he is MY Sia ~ & HE once after another, proofed to them That I was wrong, & they were right! Even reem, the girl he want to most, I dumped her for what she used to say about him, & how much she tried with me to leave him & bshor, she lessen to him, acting as the best friend ever! While he know nothing about each time she talk to him tells me to immediately leave him, she goes crazy at me just to get the hell out! After fighting all of these ppl alone for him. I'm the one to blame that they hate him! Wrong I did, yes for sure! Regret, I never felt it until couple of days? Never thought it a mistake but it is the biggest. It's all a past now, I'm not thinking of it any more, I don’t want to remember it again. A forgetting past that won’t come again! Future looks good! No love no relations until I'm done with college, getting married @ 25! Child or two! Has to be a cute guy though lool! Opening my own brand & working in twofour54. Being the best Noora alive, & at some point! Maybe I will forgive! 

It feeeeels good

I feel good na na na na naa , yaaaaaaayyy

فقَد خاطري شيّ من الضيقة مسلّيه

فقَد خاطري شيّ من الضيقة مسلّيه

وغدت روحي من الناس والّليل هجّاجَة

Some times you discover that you have made a big mistake in your life, when it's too late. I always thought that I will never be in love with someone don't love me back, that I'm too smart to be played with & my heart can never go wrong. I trusted my self that I can change someone, can change hearts, mind & opinions. I did allot, I was very successful at that! Not any more I guess or my choice was for sure wrong. Fighted like no woman will fight, forgive like no human can, being above my feelings & trying to always do the right thing, feeling the climate or people who hurted me although they didn’t care! Was wrong with out a doubht. Trying my best not to hate & keep my heart loving even if I didn’t want too, I made a mistake that I will carry the guilt of it to the rest of my life. His page from my book have been cutten & burned & will never ever be back! Promise.

PS. I'm a woman who do her promises 

the cigarette

he is back .. to be ... no one .. nothing in my life .. he is back to be that guy in my bbm with the cigarette pic that I always looked at it & wish .. just wished ... that one day ...........

I feel ...

            
              
        
          
                  
                      
                                                                        Nothing
    
      
        
        
        
      

indescribable

Nothing at all would compete what I'm  feeling now! No one, tears running with a sour in my through, breathing is so hard, nothing can describe it, no one can feel it, lonely, like I'm the only one in hell. Hateness started to born in my heart, toward the most person I loved, every thing, every thing looks purled, looks scary, looks sharp & ready to hurt me, the words he says are true, what a pain! Even tears wont cure me, nothing I can say or nothing I can talk about, indescribable this is. & I know nothing that I can say about nothing I can do about. Just burn it in too me & leave it till I die, it will stay burning forever, like candle. It’s the whole in my soul, he created this pain that I will carry it with me everywhere, every when, every place always & forever. Killing him in me, hate him, something I hope to do. He is an evil in a human shape, he is the evil, I can feel my heart dying, to live & be one like his

the ability of love

every one I loved in my life ethier left or will leave soon ! Grandma , Hassan , Sia , Saif , Sara .
the amount of people that I really loved in this life isnt that much! loving ppl for me is so hard , cuz when I love I love from all my heart , thats the reason why I'm so piky with ppl , I dont really get into them or give the effort to really love them so hard cuz losing them will kill me .. something I was always good with is being very hounest with my self , I understand my feelings very well ! I can know If I will be in love with someone befor it happens , I run away first , to avoid the pain to avoid what will happen no matter what ! but if it happened I stay untill the last breath I have . Most of them , loved me back , were great experince , others I were just a time waster for them , nothing real they had to me ! I understand that allot of this is how I treated others who loved me & I didnt , with all different ways ! Reem , Dana , Waleed , Tamem , Saif bro , were examples of how I can treat people who loved me really bad ! even if they hurt me & I acted by geting them out of my life , I was wrong , even more wrong when I toke ppl out of my life for someone I'm nothing to him . it's wrong to replace ppl who loves u with ppl that u know that u love them so they take advantage of that . Some times I feel like im in big white room , with a soft light , seting & thinking of what I lost & what I gain , deep down I lost allot , but I cheer up my self by telling my soul that I gain allot out of this , patient , experince & faith . I look around to see who left ! who's waiting for me to snap ! to fall down ! those who I hurt & wanna lauph one more at me ! wanna say we told u so & I refused to lessen . more than painful when someone u gave ur every thing to stand up & be the person who want to be , let u down & u stay their for them & they let u down , again & again . like ur died then u live again , not once or twice ! more than ten ! & the worse when it's the same person ! Isn't time to get it that what I'm doing is wrong? isn't it the time to regret what I did ! isn't time to stop loving & giving? something I really wish , I reall want , I really hope for it , to sleep & wake up to find my heart is washout from all of this .why is it so hard for me to love someone else? do I deserve him ? or am I that bad ? that my heart stuck with him this much , the ability of loving someone else is not avaliable . I wish I can , I want too ;( . May god bless me with forgeting , forgving & Loving once again.

I wish

I wish I can love him as I want ! I wish he loves me as I want ! I wish we had this thing That I always dreamed having it with him , Clearly it's not possible ! Clearly what I want is him , but what he want isn't me ! Pain ? Yes, it's here , in this part under my chest ! Love? It's also here , living along with the pain he create ! Need ? Yes, I do , like how my lungs need the O2 to breath ! Stop? I grantee I wont ,

  Untill my soul is out  .

أَنَا [ بشَر

َتعبتُ ، ففِي نهايَة الأمر .. أَنَا [ بشَر ] 

مهمَا كَانت قُوّتِي وشِدّة تحملّي أمامكَ !

............... ما خطبِي ؟ لكَي ترفضنِي هكذَا كلّمَا أخضعتُ لَكَ قلبِي

ولِمَ كُنتُ أقدّم لَكَ كُل ما أملكه مِنَ المشاعِر ،

......... بينمَا تَزِن أنتَ كُل مَا تعطِينيه مِن أحاسيسكَ !

وأدركَ أنّك آخِر مَن قَد يستوعِب ألمِي حين يقرأنِي

رسائلِي لَا تصِل إليكَ ، ودمُوعِي لَا تصِل إليكَ ، ودعوَاتِي لَا تصِل إليكَ

و آهَاتِي لَا تصِل إليكَ ، و إنتحَابَاتِي لَا تصِل إليكَ ..

................ وَلا شَيئ .. لَا شَيء يخصنّي قَد يهمّكَ

تسخَر منّي الدّنيَا الآن ، 

و تخرِج أمَامِي لسانهَا إستهزَاءً بِأننّي قَد أحببتكَ أنتَ ,

........................... بينمَا كُنتَ تعبَثَ بأضلعِي !

الفرق بيني وبينكَ /

هُو أنني كبّرتُ حجمكَ بـ سذاجة بداخلِي ، بينمَا إتّضح ليَ صِغر حجمِي بكَ مؤخرًا ! 

أعطيتك الفرصَة تلو الفرصَة لإثبَات كونك تستحقني ، ولكنك كنتَ تكسرنِي كُل مرّة .. .

وما عاد يهمّك الآن أمر جبرِي .. 

حزينة لأجلكَ ‘

أضعتنِي و أنت تدرِك تمامًا ماهيّة حبّي لك التّي كانت ،

لا تعنِيني الآن ولَن تعنِيني أبدًا ، 

شكرًا لَكَ فقط , كَان بإستطاعتكَ أن تسعدنِي ولكنك تعمّدتَ أن تضرب الرّوح بـ فأس خيانتك دائمًا

ice & heat

he was my love , but I think It was a road to no where , to no where he toke me!! to the coldest place , to a point I can touch my self ; feel the Ice , while my throught is boweling

glue my heart

The pain in my chest is killing me , my heart & my mind finally agreed , that this is not going to work for me any more , whatever I was doing in some point was right , But thanks god not any more . The LOVE ? was there some day , that why I used to handle the pain , something pushing me & that self cure service I used to had , but not any more ! It's only pain*pain ? why shall I stay while I'm sure & I know this will last forever ! why to have a fight I know I will never win ! am I that slow ? I already had the war & I lost it ? why am I going into this battle again , allot of feelings that no one person can handle it , 1.how he feels , 2.how she feels , 3.how they feel toward each other , 4.how i feel for him , 5 how I feel for her , then 6. how much I wont them to stay together & 7. me as a woman !! with all that love and jealousy for the one I love , & finally 8. the feeling of why the hell do u care ! just go out of this shit your going crazy. I wanna run away , from all of this , run & run & run as I have never did , wanna leave this love triangle , wanna leave it to stay as line ! two straight points directed to each other . wanna go there , to that safe place that he left for me ! that option that I never wanted any thing like it , that attraction that kills me to go toward it , that one who  will accept me with my wounds and glue every thing back to his place , wanna stay dreaming that I'm there , living that part with him , but I cant , cuz of ... , its better to live in a sweat dream rather than stay in that painful truth.

cheating

        




what is cheating ? Im very sure I understand it wrong !





        
    

sunny cold morning

Its first Friday of Ramadan, very sunny although I’m really cold! Sara going to US alone is killing me, although I didn't cry a tear. Just hoping for the best! College is coming, hopefully every thing go smoothly with the work. I hate the new location & every thing in it. I feel like quitting allot, the thing that I don’t allow my self to quit from things, even if I don’t like it, its that thing that my grandma raise in me, to go & go & go, sometimes its really good, push me forward when nothing left to go forward, sometimes it really makes me miserable because I'm going for something I don’t want it. May she rest in peace, I love her so much, and she’s the reason of what kind of person I'm today. In my deep down, I know I let her down in allot of stuff, I know she miss me & want me to visit, but I'm really afraid, after I saw & felt death I don’t wana go there, it toke me months until I could sleep with out thinking about death, it have became an obsession in my mind, its really strong when it get into you. From always wishing to die I became very afraid of dying, although when I face it I fought with all I had, this time I think I will surrender, nothing left to fight for. So Lonely with out you...

headache in my mind

a headache in my mind , killing me softly , as if its cancer , thinking allot can cause mentel problems ! what am I doing , im not really sure it it was right or worng !! when is my time? what is really happening ,, im not aware of , or I'am & I just want to ignor it in a way that my mand dont undrestand it?

real feelings

سف انا في حبي لـك تسرعـت
ظنيت الاقـي فيـك شـيٍ فقدتـه..

كنت احسبك مجروح مثلي تولعـت
جربت فرقى شخص قلبـك وهبتـه..

كنت احسبك من مر جرحك تجرعت
حبيت فيك احساس طفـلٍ لمحتـه..

لوقلت آآآه بوسط روحي توجعـت
ولو شفت دمعاتك شعوري سكبتـه..

ولو تطلب اعيوني ابد ما تمنعـت
واعطيك قلبي لو بعد مـا طلبتـه..

وصلت بك..... اعلى مكان وتربعت
وفي قلب غيري ياالغضي ماوصلته..

واصبر على صدك واشوفك تدلعـت
واعطيك ود ومـا اظنـك حسبتـه..

اذهلتني بطباعك اللـي ...تطبعـت
حتى قصيدي فيك ابد مـا فهمتـه..

لو كان غاياتك حروفي فانا بعـت
وافرح بجرح الشاعر الي جرحتـه..

وأرجوك من صدك تراني تشبعـت
خلك مع اللي عاجبـك او عجبتـه..

يكفي قهر في جيتي لك تواضعـت
تركت غيرك لجـل عينـك وبعتـه..

ياليتني عـن حـب مثلك..ترفعـت
ياليت قلبي قبـل اعرفـك دفنتـه..

لكن اببعد دامني بـك توهقـت
الله يرحـم حبنـا اللـي ذبحـتـه..

انا شريت الود والحين انـا بعـت
وانا عطيتك قلبـي اللـي قهرتـه..

في يوم جيتك اطلبـك ود واقنعـت
نفسي بانك شخص عادي عرفته..

كمل حياتك مثل مـا انـا توقعـت
تبقى اسير الماضي الـي فرضتـه..

ولا يحزنك اني غلطان وتراجعـت
حولك بدالي ألف شخـصٍ عجبتـه..

اما انا لا يمكن اخضـع ولا طعـت
يحرم علي اعطيـك قلـبٍ خذلتـه..

باريّحك من شوفتي يـوم قاطعـت
اسلوبك اللي بـة تجامـل كرهتـه..

غلطان يا المقفي انا مـا تتبعـت
غيري يتابع خطوتـي مـا تبعتـه..

ما ينحني راسي لو انـي تقطعـت
وما هو انا من لا رميتـه لقطتـه..

وان كان غرك حكي عذالي وطعـت
الله يعلـم كيـف قلبـي سكنـتـه..

اللي ملا قلبـك علـي وتسمعـت
خله يعوض شخص مثلي خسرتـه..

انـا بمـا فيـه الكفايـة تولعـت
واللي بقى من قلب فينـي حرقتـه..

باول لقا سلمته احساسي وضعـت
غلطت حياتي يـوم قلبـي سلبتـه..

واستسمحك فالبعد كاني تراجعت
ما عاد ابلقـى فيـك شـي فقدتـه..

طبعك مثل غيرك وطبعي كما كنـت
احب شخـص ولا تركته تركتـه..

وان شفتني صدفة بعينك تطلعـت
ذكرتني بانسـان غالـي فقدتـه

will never move on

its really weired how much he check her blog every day ! wired !! he never knew that i even have a blod or so ! , thanks god he dont walla I would be really angry ! I cant undrestand how a human can be that much carless ! or that much selfish ! is it me? I m sure that I have a menti9l problem because of him , I hate what I feel because of him ! I really wish that he never exsist in my life !! I wish he never happand ! I wish that I have left him when I could with out giving him all that much of love or any thing ! I really want him to suffer " allot" more than any thing , its the first time I wish someone to live misreaple for the rest of his life ! selfish ! yes I 'am finally ! wrong? I dodnt feel so ! I wish he feel this burn in me 10 times worse more , I wish that he get burned & burnes & burnes with out stopping !! Just diiiiiiiiiiiiiiie

just in no where

What’s wrong with me? With my brain? With my heart? Why I'm so crazy about him, although I know he don’t give a shit about me? He wants her as much as I wanted him, why I let my self-go this far? To dream, I'm nothing to him, nothing to feel, nothing to compare between her and me in his heart, she’s the love of his life, and I'm a time waster to him! Nothing I can call it fair, nothing fair in my life, from all sides!! Am I a drama queen? Do I really live in hell and I'm just accepting it!! Sometimes I just think there is no god!! This is allot!! Why didn’t I porn in a beloved family, with a beloved husband I marry him with 19 years old!! And my biggest problem is what to cock for my husband on dinner? Why do I just care too much about someone who nearly care about me as much as if his dinner available or not yet!! Why the hell I LOVE someone to death and im ready to give him any thing and he is ready to do all that for someone else, why it's the second time that I can love a person this much! And he is not mine? Why? I know there are no answers! I know that nothing will change, and that I will not feel the same again for someone else, I know that the pain will tear me apart! I know that my fairy tale will never happen! Neither with Hassan or Saif! I know im cursed and im pretty sure that they are not, I will just keep living and fighting, every hit make me stronger, every pain will make me weaker, but much stronger later, the thing im not sure!! Am I getting stronger!! Im much weaker than I was before !1 with no faith to any thing because nothing apparently good happened to me! Nothing stand up for me? Im starting to mix out between good and evil? Im I right? im a wrong? What makes a right and wrong? Our choices may be different! But does the right and wrong method work?

حتى أكون عارية لك

(1)
نعم !!

لم يكن أبي امْرَأَ سَوْءٍ
وما كانت أمي بغيا
لكني لست بطهر مريم العذراء
كي أقاوم شوق أنوثتي إلى أحضانك
ولا أنا بتقوى يوسف الصديق وورعه
كي لا أهم بك وأنت تُغلق أبوابك دوني!
وأخشى أن لا أثبت أمامك طويلا !
أخشى أن لا أثبت أمامك طويلا !
فجنبني الحرام ...و ارحل !!

(2)
وأنت تهاتفني في الليلة الأخيرة
وتحدثني بهمس عن وعن وعن
كنت تغمض عينيك بنشوة
وتتخيلني معك على بقعة أرض محرمة
وكنت أغمض عيني بصمت !!
وأتخيلك معي على الأرائك في جنة الخلد !

وأعلم أن ألمي العظيم في الفقرة السابقة لن يشعر به
إلا عاشقة تقيم الليل على سجادة صلاتها
ورجل ...مازال يبكيه قول الله تعالى
والسابقون السابقون أولئك المقربون

(3)
شربت من حكايتك البحر كله !!
حتى شرقت بملح أمواجه !
ضربت رأسي بجدار ظروفك حتى أفقدته ذاكرته!
مددت لك يدي كأنك أخر أطواق النجاة لي !!
جاهدت في الوصول إليك كأنك قشة الغريق الوحيدة!
ركضت خلفك بقلب لاهث وكأنك سفينة نوح التي خلفتني !
حتى انقطعت أنفاسي
وتعبت !!
تعبت منك....تعبت مني !
تعبت من صمت التمثال بك !
تعبت من بكاء الأنثى بي !

(4)
فمنذ أن أحببتك!!
وأنا أغرق في بحر فراقك وأنتظر منك طوق النجاة
ومنذ أن عرفتني وأنت تنتشي بغرقي
وتُلقي لي بطوق خذلانك!!
منذ أن أحببتك !!
وأنا أعاملك كأميرات الحكايا وفرسان الخيال
ومنذ أن عرفتني !
وأنت تعاملني كفريسة الطريق وذئاب الغابة
كلما اقتربت بجوع الحب منك !
اقتربت بجوع الرغبة مني!
فضع عينيك بعين الله إن استطعت وأخبره !
كم مرة دعوتني بها إلى الحرام
وكم مرة صرخت بك :
أخاف الله رب العالمين

(5)
وكم من ليلة خلتها ا ليلة زفافي إليك !
وكم من ليلة ارتديت بها فستاني المطرز بالشوق!
وكم من ليلة خضبت يداي بنقوش الحناء !
وكم من ليلة أغرقت ضفائري بالمسك والدفء والعود !
وكم ليلة زينت بها كفي بالأساور و قدمي بالخلخال!
وكم ليلة رددت بها أني زوجتك نفسي لـ نفسي !!
وخفضت رأسي خجلا منك ووهما بك !
وكم ليلة أشرقت بها الشمس علي..وأنا وحدي!
يغفو على وسادتي الأخرى وهمي .. وهمي !
ولم ... أزف بها إليك !!

(6)
فـ كالأرجوحة كانت حكايتي معك
مرجحتني على خيوط الوهم تارة .
.وعلى خيوط الحنين تارة أخرى !!
فكنت كالمعلقة بخيوط الهواء مابين السماء والأرض
أنتظر سقوطي مع كل ارتفاع إلى السماء
وأترقب موتي مع كل نزول إلى الأرضِ !!
فلا أنا لامست السماء بها معك!
ولا أنا استقريت فوق الأرض !!

(7)
والله إني أشتاقك وأحتاجك !!
حد رؤية ملك الموت يحوم في ليالي فراقك حولي!
فلست دمية ثلجية.. ولا لُعبة خشبية !
ولا جدار منزل قديم متهاوي. لا يشعر بالمارين به شوقا !
ولكن ... كيف الوصول إليك ؟
والله يحاصرني من كل الجهات ِ !!

(8)
فإشتر لي قطعة أرض لا تدخل في ملك الله
وأنا أعدك أن أمارس معك عليها
كل آثام البشر وكل خطايا أهل الأرض منذ أن خلق الله الأرض!
أعدك أن أصافحك عليها بشوق..!
دون أن أتذكر حديث أمي عن( جمرة ) مصافحة الغرباء!!
أعدك أن أمزق غطاء رأسي أمامك...
وأسدل على صدرك أرجوحة ضفائري. !!
دون أن أنتفض رعبا..حين تصرخ بي نفسي اللوامة باكية
أن كل شعرة من رأسي.. بجمرة من النار !!

(9)
اشتر لي قطعة أرض لا تدخل في ملك الله !
وأنا أعدك أن أكون عليها معك بكامل أنوثتي وجنوني وخطيئتي!
وان أحكم غلق الأقفال بقوة كي لا يراني معك أحد.. !
وأكتم صوت ضميري وهو يردد لي مذكرا !!
( إن لم تكن تراه فانه يراك ...إن لم تكن تراه فانه يراك)

(10)
اشتر لي قطعة أرض لا تدخل في ملك الله !
وأنا أعدك أن أغافل ثقتهم الآمنة بي
وأتحايل على حسن ظنهم بتربيتي..
وأغدو إلى موعدك الآثم بفرح دون أن يعرقل سيري إليك !!
منظر سيري على الصراط والنار تحتي
وألسنة اللُهب تتخطفني من كل صوب..وإتجاه!!

(11)
اشتر لي قطعة أرض لا تدخل في ملك الله
وأنا أعدك أن أمارس عليها معك الحب والغرام بأرقى الطرق
وأرخص الطرق ... !!
دون أن يُعكر صفو شوقي إليك إنشغال تفكيري !!
بالكبيرة التي ساءت سبيلا !!

(12)
اشتر لي قطعة أرض لا تدخل في ملك الله
وأنا أعدك أن أتجرد أمامك عليها من كل شي
وان أراقصك عليها عارية إلا من ذنبي !
دون أن تعترض خيالي صورتي وأنا ممدة على مغسلة الموت
عارية من كل شيء إلا خطاياي وأعمالي!
أعدك أن أملا بياض ثوبك بأحمر شفاهي..
وأبعثر بوحشية أنثى لهفى غطاء سريرك الأبيض
دون أن يذكرني غطاء سريرك ببياض كفني
وأنا أزف إلى القبر ووحشة القبر وضمة القبر وحدي!!

(13)
اشتر لي قطعة ارض لا تدخل في ملك الله !!
فلن أخون الله أمام عينيه وفي ملكه
لن أخون الله أمام عينيه وفي ملكه
لن أخون الله أمام عينيه وفي ملكه

(14)
في كل مرة أعدك بها أن لا أعود
كنت باسم الحنين أعود !!
ومع كل عودة كان يمزقني إنتحاب الكبرياء بي !
لهذا وعدت الله أمامك في المرة الأخيرة
أن لا أعود
ولن أعود !!!
حنيني وأعرفه
يخجل أن يُخلف مع الله وعده !!

(15)
ثق !!
لم يكن فشلي في حكايتك
سوى طعنة نصيب
لا أكثر ... ولا أقل !!
لا أكثر ... ولا أقل !!
فقط

الغايه المراد الوصول لها ساميه "

I will miss u

he will be missed ...

Im leaving him , as much as it hurts me , and I know I cant do it!! Im doing it

I wont live under a woman shadow!! even if he was so in love with her and she was his dream girl!!

I did more than any woman do for her lover ! I got over H for him , and he still lives in his dream with her!!

it's enough that I know in each look that he look at me he wishes if I was her!

it's enough for me to know that I'm only a "time killer" to him.

I really don't know what I'm doing!! but I'm bretty sure a big part of it is right

I really dont know what I have to do!!

is it me

is it him

is it she

he is not over her yet

is it my fault

am I not enough for him

was she a better woman than I'am

am I trying to chase the love that can never be found

are these answers or questions

rolling over and over in my mind

Was I that bad

?

or

was she that good

how could she got his heart

and I didn't

he says he loves me

but only 5% of his heart loves me

Would I

?

? Will I

Leave him

can  I

?

Time to say good bye?and step out of it NOW